J.D. Billy

I gotta tell you I loved the half-time show at last night's Super Bowl. That Janet Jackson has got some real stage presence. And Justin Timberlake, despite all the other things I think about him, really know how to pull off a showstopper.

Oh, sure, it's all being written off as accidental and unplanned, but I guarantee you that it was her idea. After the whole Britney/Madonna thing, any kind of publicity is good publicity. People seem to have forgotten that Janet and Justin have been linked in the past, so I'm sure he was more than willing to help her out with her "coming out" party. Plus, this now puts him back in Britney's league.

In any case, as soon as it happened I knew that the pictures would be circulating all over the internet. And here's one now. But I had no idea that it was going to come from the "family friendly" Yahoo site.

But here it is and you can take in the beauty. The sun is out.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm tired of waiting.

I mean, she showed us her ass in Lost in Translation, so when is Scarlett Johansson going to unleash those produce-department-quality breasts on us?

'Nough said.

(Being a movie fan, I try to keep up with all the upcoming releases. This is just an intro to why I even know about this topic.)

What the hell is all the fuss about Jane Campion's new film In the Cut. Everything I read about it parades the fact that Meg Ryan appears nude in it. Come on, people, this is not a surprise. Any fan of Meg's body knows that she flashed her right breast--while in bed with Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison--to great effect in Oliver Stone's The Doors.

Also appearing in the buff was Kathleen Quinlan (Tom Hanks' wife in Apollo 13), who is certainly not known for her nudity, in a bold and courageous full-nude scene (again with Kilmer)--and I mean everything--running around, cutting herself and him, and then boning away to the tune of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana (one of the most overused pieces of choral music in the history of film).

The connection of these two actresses with Tom Hanks is a little creepy, don't you think? Why doesn't he get any of this naked chick action? (Just looking out for you, Tom.)

But, anyway, Jane Campion is known for getting her lead actresses to strip off. Just look at all the films she's done. Sweetie, I know, had some nudity in it, but it's been so long, I've forgotten who it was. But An Angel at my Table showed Kerry Fox (who would later go on to show it all in the controversial Intimacy, where full hardcore is shown) in all her glory (she goes topless again in Shallow Grave, in front of a suitably awestruck Ewan McGregor) while swimming. The red afro only detracts from the vision slightly.

And Campion seems to go for the ones who don't usually go that route. Take Holly Hunter, for example, in The Piano. Before this, Hunter was playing smart little hicks in mid-budget films and getting little or no respect apart from Broadcast News. But then she goes and does the nasty with Harvey Keitel (who also manages to show his favorite part) and she gets an Academy Award for it. (One can only hope that fellow Award-winner Anna Paquin will follow in her footsteps as she has become quite the hottie recently--see Almost Famous for more evidence).

Then there's Kate Winslet--who, I've mentioned has no aversions to taking her clothes off--in Holy Smoke. But even she hadn't gotten completely nude since Jude (though she did again recently for Iris--and of course showed her remarkable breasts in Hideous Kinky, Quills, and the otherwise execrable Titanic), and certainly not for as long a scene. (No pausing is necessary, gentlemen, if you get my drift.)

So Meg Ryan seems like just another in a series of Campion exploitations. But as long as she continues to get top actresses to show their breasts in films of "great import," I'll continue to be able to rent them without shame, masturbate furiously, and appear as if I'm a moviegoer of real class.

Heh, heh...

JDB

Now, generally, I don't fall into the trap of doing like all those other pathetic webloggers do and taking every fucking quiz on the Internet. However, this one interested me, and as it pretty much hit the nail on the head -- as you will soon see -- I thought I'd waste your precious time by posting it here:


You are the Elitist Prick. You're so consumed with
being on top of indie trends that you've
completely forgotten how to enjoy your once-
hipster status. It may be too late for you.


What Kind of Hipster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

All right, enough of this crap. Let's get on to the naked breasts...

JDB

It's far too likely that you've notice how slapdash I've been about updating this blog. You'd think that a guy with as much interest in the female secondary sex characteristics would want to shout it from the rooftops whenever he came across anything even resembling a naked breast. And there, I think, lies the problem.

Using my own system of word creation, I have come to the discovery that I am a "mammarophile." I absolutely adore breasts. Maybe I wasn't breastfed as a baby, but I think it borders on obsession. I'm constantly staring at passing women to check out their size (and location), see them jiggle, that kind of thing. Even just going to and from work, and riding the subway, I get an eyeful worthy of any sheik's harem.

Trouble is, it's never enough. I keep looking, partially because I'm never allowed to get my fill. At some point, the woman is going to notice that I'm paying undue attention to her chest and get upset, so I have to make sure that I'm not noticed by her, or at least to look away enough so that it doesn't look like I'm that interested. That's a lot of work, just to get the little thrill it offers. It's like an addiction. A little taste (pardon the pun) isn't as good as the full dosage.

At this point, I'm sure I'll keep going on the way I am. Keep ogling unsuspecting (and suspecting) women, not appreciating them as people but simply as masturbatory material, until my libido dies down (god forbid) or my need for visual stimulation descends to the point where it's virtually nonexistent.

Or, at the very least, until I go blind.

JDB

You gotta love those MTV Video Music Awards! Once a year, MTV gives out fake awards to pop stars, while every female in the business competes to see who can show the most cleavage while not offending the censors enough to not be shown on the broadcast.

My vote for this year's winner is Jessica Simpson. She managed to look relatively classy next to new husband Nick Lachey (who is so obviously riding her coattails with his new solo career) while showing off what appear to be the award show's Most Bodacious Ta-Tas, 2003 edition.

Hmm...maybe I was too hasty when I said she was just a flash in the pan. If that doesn't get people to buy her new album, nothing will.

And speaking of breasts--as I so often do here--what ever happened to the idea that Hollywood actresses, once they made it big, didn't have to get naked anymore? Used to be that, in order to get noticed, women in Hollywood would just about have to do a few nude scenes, but then, once they got name recognition, didn't have to do that anymore.

I mention this because I just saw Frida, starring Salma Hayek and her breasts. Now you would think that a movie like Desperado would be the one place you could depend on seeing the wonder that is Salma Hayek's jubblies, not a biopic of a feminist painter that Hayek produced herself. But that's exactly what you get. Fans of Hayek in all her glory should definitely put this one down for a purchase.

Jesus Christ! There's even a long close-up of the twins when her body cast is removed. Fabulous pausing material for solo recreation. Just remembering it now is causing Little JD to perk his head up again.

And the best part is that you can hide your true motives, if your woman asks, by saying you're trying to educate yourself on Frida Kahlo and her life and times. She'll fall for it, definitely. My wife always does. After I found out she liked The Gift, I was able to buy the DVD for myself (oh, god, that Katie Holmes scene!) and pretend that it was for her.

Now, if I could only find some redeeming features of the Girls Gone Wild series. I wonder if anyone will pay me to study the Spring Break habits of college girls when hammered...

JDB

Goddamn! Who'd've ever fucking thought that a cooking show could make a guy so hot?

I was flipping through the channels when I came across this gorgeous chick making dinner in this sun-drenched studio. The perfect woman, she can not only cook, but looks fucking hot while she's doing it. Her name's Nigella Lawson and she's on the Style channel (a station I never look at unless there's a bunch of semi-nude models walking down a runway, or something). The show's called Forever Summer or some shit like that.

But, anyway, she's fucking hot! Big breasts threatening to break out of those tight tops while she leans over to taste her wares. (I'd like to taste her wares!) What a body! And she loves to eat! Now that's my kind of woman.

JDB